It's Adelynne's turn

Little Miss Adelynne is always trying to keep up with big sis, and, this week she started preschool.  It's only 2 1/2 hours 2 times a week....just enough for her to get out and explore who Adelynne is, gain some independence, and form her own identity.  She was excited.

I really didn't think that leaving her would be hard, I've left Aubrey 3 years in a row now, and with the trauma of sending Aubrey to kindergarten, I thought I wouldn't bat an eye at leaving Adelynne.  As we walked her to school, I got really sad, knowing I was about to drop her off, and then take Aubrey to school...just me and Nolan.  It's almost like going from 100 to 0.  The reality of this becoming my reality is beginning to set in.  They grow up too fast.  Adelynne enjoyed her day and I was so glad to see her after.

The difference in a year...

One year ago today was one of the hardest days of my life.  After speaking with countless doctors and signing lots of papers, I handed over my 14 month old precious little boy.  With the sickest feeling in my stomach and many tears flowing, I had to hold back sobs as he watched Brandon and I as they took him back to pre-op...smiling and waving...that's my boy, so sweet.  Knowing what was about to happen to him made me sick, but, I knew it had to be done.  For the first time in my life, I was too paralyzed by fear to pray.

Lord, please don't take our baby...
Lord, please don't take our baby...
Lord, please don't take our baby...

"In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness.  We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express."  Romans 8:26


Around 9:30 am the nurse came to let us know they had begun and that Nolan had charmed the room with his smiles and chatter.  Well, of course he did, he's the sweetest boy in the world....

About 2 and a half hours later, they came to tell us that his forehead had been removed and the plastic surgeon had it on a tray and was working with it, I'm sorry, can you say that again...

"For by him all things were created:  things in heaven and on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or powers or rulers or authorities; all things were created by him and for him."  Colossians 1:16


By the time it was all said and done, Nolan's craniosynostosis was corrected by a neuro surgeon removing his forehead, then the plastic surgeon took the forehead, cut it into 15 pieces, and reconnected those pieces with dis-solvable plates and screws.  They then reattached the forehead and closed him up.  From the time they took him to the time I was able to see him, it was 10 hours...

I lost it when I finally saw him, this trooper of a little boy had been through more trauma in his 14 months than I'd even come close to in my now 30 years.  A small part of me got angry, why such a tiny, sweet innocent little being?  The rest of me ached to take his pain and discomfort away and to spare him from any more.

The relief that finally came after knowing Nolan was ok, and after recovery was smooth, only then were we able to breathe.

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Jesus Christ." 
1 Thessalonians 5:16 & 17

While I hate thinking about that time, it's also good to reflect on how much he's conquered in the last year.  Pre-surgery Nolan was just beginning to crawl.  A year later, he's running, climbing on the kitchen table, he's a naughty little tornado that's learning more words and who is trying to communicate.  It's also good to reflect on God's provision.

"The Lord is full of compassion and mercy."  James 5:11

Not only did he keep Nolan safe, but, he gave Brandon and I peace and comfort.  He provided financially for the surgery.  He provided family to help.  He provided a wonderful nursing staff that took great care of us.  He provided 2 of the best doctors in the nation to take on this surgery.  In every step along the way, God provided.

"The Lord will do what he has promised." Isaiah 38:7

"This is how we know what love is:  Jesus Christ laid down his life for us.  And we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers."  1 John 3:16

God loves Nolan, because he sent his only son to die for him.

SHE'S BRILLIANT!!!!!!!!!!

I have to just take this moment, and brag about Adelynne.  She's 3, and the picture on the left she colored, and the one on the right, I colored.  Pretty amazing how well she stays in the lines and how detailed she is.  Way to go Adie!

Why he's perfect for me...

The other day...
me...
feeling sorry for myself about people having healthy children...
as unfit parents (arrests, loss of custody, questionable things happening in there home.)
Out of my mouth, "it's the forth child, different dads for most of them, but, yet, I'm sure this baby will be perfectly healthy."
Brandon says to me, "Can you imagine Nolan being placed in a family like that? Would his needs be met?  Would he be getting the care he's getting?"
I say, "Well, No... so, we're being rewarded for being good parents?"
He says, "Yes."

End of the conversation

He's good for me.  He doesn't lack where I do.  He makes me feel better with the simple truth.  He doesn't allow himself to feel sorry for us.  He's perfect for me.

Who wouldn't love being me?

Well, we all survived...

Aubrey is home from her first day of school. It was the longest 2 hours and 40 minutes of my life. Surprisingly enough, she was less than impressed. I heard that...
"Mrs. Dixon is nice and does look like Barbie."
"We learned about obeying."
"I didn't use my school supplies."
AND
"I'm starving." (Remind me to write an entire post on how this little girl has a hollow leg:)

Being a mother is a life full of guilt. I mean let's be honest, we question each and every decision we make concerning our kiddos...well, at least I do. I've yet to meet one mom who didn't look back on her child rearing years and question some things, or, maybe even wish they would have done a few things differently. It starts even when you're pregnant.
Should I be eating more things that are full of folic acid?
Should I eat less baked goods:)?
Epidural? or
No epidural?
Should I breastfeed?
What if I can't?
Then in the weeks of no sleep with a baby who cries endlessly, you become angry with yourself that you are so tired, frustrated, frazzled, when you really want to be soaking up each moment because they grow up so fast...because everyone reminds you of this. And don't get me started on discipline. Every day is a battle of,
am I being too hard on her?
Am I not consistent enough?
Is it really supposed to be this hard?
Or is there just something wrong with me?

Now that I'm a seasoned parent (ha! wink wink), I can look back at times and think...man, I really should have handled that differently. There have also been other times that I can look back and think...by God's grace, yep, I handled that like a pro.

I am a flawed person. I am a flawed wife, sister, daughter, friend and yes, even mother, but I do know that in those times of being unsure God's grace is sufficient. He knows our hearts; my heart, my intentions and my desires.

My desire is that at some point all 3 of my babes would come to have a saving relationship with the Lord, that they would make wise decisions based on the Bible, that they would be spared from all the worldly pitfalls, some of which I fell victim to when I was younger. That at no point in their life would they be faced with a tough choice, and choose wrong. That they would never feel disappointment or hurt.

Brandon and I have struggled with, for about a year now, whether to send Aubrey to school or to homeschool her. Not matter who you talk to, the people who send their kids to school have a list of why they feel it's best, and the same with people who homeschool. I'm not one who believes that by homeschooling you can shelter them from all things, but rather my intent was to spend more time character building and building a more sound Biblical base before sending her out. For a week, I would be confident in the homeschooling decision, and then the next week, I would say no, it's time for her to go to school. I've talked to so many people about it, and it really started to weigh on me. I'd prayed and prayed and prayed about it, with no real clear leading either way. Sometimes God doesn't give us the answer clear cut dropped from heaven (although I was hoping for that), but He does give us discernment to make wise decisions and a blessing of that decision once it's been made.

We signed Aubrey up for Kindergarten and thought we'd see where that avenue took us. Since making that decision, we've been pleasantly surprised by the blessings of reassurance of the decision we've made. Blessings that this guilt ridden momma needed...thank you Jesus.

Tomorrow is the big day, and, although I may still back out, ;) I'm confident this is the right decision for our family, for Aubrey. Is it the right decision for my mental well being, however?... probably not.:)

So, for now, I'm not going to let the guilt creep up, but rather, be confident in the job I'm doing as mommy only with the Lord's help. Because let's be honest, trying to do anything on our own is completely pointless.