Letting go...

Shame...Websters Dictionary gives the following definition:


 : a painful emotion caused by consciousness of guilt, shortcoming, or impropriety : the susceptibility to such emotion 

 : a condition of humiliating disgrace or disrepute

 : something that brings censure or reproach; also 

:something to be regretted 

 A few weeks ago, I watched the video of a dear friend, Lauren, give her testimony.  I was struck with her honesty and openness about things in her past...drinking, drugs, and overall depraved and dangerous lifestyle...one I'm very familiar with.  I was extremely thankful she was willing to describe these things, talk about them & admit them because in doing so, we're also able to see the amazing transformation God has allowed in her life, only possible because of Jesus.

Psalm 145:8  
"The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love."

Shame is a powerful tool in Satan's toolbox.


James 1:17
 "Every good and perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of the heavenly lights, who does not change like shifting shadows."


We know that feelings of guilt, shortcoming, and disgrace are not from our Father.  I think Satan uses shame to  keep us from fully sharing how God has transformed us.  Not all of us have the same experiences as Lauren (or myself) did before we became a Christian.  We know that God's plans are different for everyone.  But, if we're all honest, we all find so much peace and comfort from the testimonies of those who have been so wretched, so seemingly unforgivable, unlovable; where they've hit a massive rock bottom, only to become fully broken laying at the feet of Jesus... desperately begging Him for a new life, purpose, relief.

2 Corintians 5:17
"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come: The old has gone, the new is here!" 

Satan wants us to feel shame, because in our shame we are quiet.  How can we possibly reach others for Jesus if we are quiet?  How can we make someone want the hope we have if we are quiet?  How on earth could we make someone see that even in their sin (our sin), Jesus loves them (loves me)?  Shame is a hindrance.  Shame is a roadblock.



I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord




Yes Lord, I will share what you've done for me.

I'm giving up the shame of purposeful disrespect growing up  (sorry Mom and Dad)....trading it for the freedom ONLY Christ gives.


I'm giving up the shame of not being spotless before my groom....trading it in because I am a new creation.

I'm giving up the shame of failing everyday as a mother....trading it in because of the freedom I have in Christ.

I'm giving up the shame of all the times I spent drunk or high...because as a believer, I am white as snow in the eyes of my Savior.



I'm giving up the shame of being angry with God for allowing Nolan to be born with Williams Syndrome...trading it because He knows my every thought & His ways are better than mine.


 I share these shamefulthings because I don't want to be a tool for Satan, but rather, a weapon for Jesus.



I'm trading my sorrow
I'm trading my shame
I'm laying it down for the joy of the Lord




What are you ashamed of?  Tell Him... because He already knows, and He so desperately wants to relieve you from the burden.

You can have freedom from shame with a life lived for Christ.  Today, join me in letting go.

Galatians 5:1
"It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

We have a need

This is an extremely boring blog post, however, I felt as if this might be the best way to get the word out to the masses.  Brandon will be coaching Varsity baseball at Bethesda Christian School this spring.  We also own a mowing business that gets busy right around the same time that Brandon will get really busy with baseball games.  We have hired a very responsible teen to cover the mowing business for Brandon so that he can focus on baseball.  The Lord was extremely gracious in providing this answer to prayer.  Brandon will be traveling a half hour north to Brownsburg from our home here in Plainfield 5 days a week after school.  During baseball season, we would like to be able to leave our truck here at our home after school so that our teen can come and get it and do the mowing.  This means we are in need of another vehicle to get Brandon to and from Brownsburg during baseball season.  We have considered purchasing something, but, it currently seems silly since we will only need the vehicle for 7-8 weeks.  Also, our desire would be to eventually purchase another truck for Brandon that all 5 of us can fit in (our current truck only seats 3, which makes things a little tricky when the van isn't available), while leaving our current truck for the mowing business.  Trying to be good stewards however, we would like to have our van paid off before another vehicle purchase.

So, why am I blogging about this?  Well, if you know a family who has a college student who is away and their car is sitting, would you mention this to them?  Do you know an elderly person who can't drive anymore, but, they have a car that is sitting (my grandpa did before he passed)?  Or any other situation where a person might be willing to "loan" a vehicle for 7-8 weeks, would you mind passing this along?

We are not specific in taste.  We care nothing about what the vehicle looks like, how old it is, what color, etc.  We would prefer something with good gas mileage.

We've prayed at length about this, and will continue to do so. The Lord provided clear open doors, that led to us being in this situation and we know he will continue to provide.

The mommy in this picture is Natalie, and I "met" her on Facebook a little over a year ago.  We have two pretty big things in common...#1 We're sisters in Christ and #2 We each were chosen by God to raise a child with Williams syndrome.

The precious little girl in this picture that Natalie is holding is, Abby.  Abby's heart condition, due to Williams syndrome, had gotten bad enough that they will be operating on January 25th.

Pray for Abby's safety under anesthesia.
Pray for a successful and safe surgery.
Pray for John and Natalie that they would have peace and comfort during this time.

John and Natalie, Abby, Chandler & Micah, we're praying.

"Then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."  Philippians 4:7

It's nothing genius really...

Sometime late November I started using this dry erase board in our kitchen for prayer requests.  It's on the wall to the left when I'm standing at the sink.  I've always been terrible about using a list when I pray.  I would write requests down but then rarely pull it from my Bible.  So, I started this.   I'd used the board last year when I had home schooled Aubrey, and then it's just been hanging there, blank, for months. 

It's nothing genius really...

I realize it's nothing impressive or ground breaking, but it is a rather fantastic idea...even if I'm not the first to do it.

As I looked over from doing dishes a few days ago, I became utterly amazed that this board really needed some updating.  Many requests had been answered...a few not...some not in the way I'd wanted or expected...but many had.  

The Lord is sufficient to meet ALL of our needs...and I needed some encouragement... encouragement in the form of seeing God at work.

"And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus."
 Philippians 4:19

The requests that are now circled in black are the requests that have been answered.  We're so thankful that the biopsy for Brandon's grandma was benign and that she's recovering well and starting back to work this week.  We're so thankful that our friend Chase, had a successful surgery and recovery.  We're so grateful the Lord has provided someone to take the over the mowing business while Brandon coaches baseball this spring.  One request was a closed door on a job opportunity, but, we're praying the Lord's direction and provision in that situation. 

I'm going to leave the board this way for a few more days so that my prayers can be of thanksgiving and praise for what God is doing.  He's always at work, even when I can't see.

Open my eyes, that I may see
Glimpses of truth Thou hast for me;
Place in my hands the wonderful key
That shall unclasp and set me free.

In a few days, I'll be adding some new requests.  I would love to pray for you.

This might be really hard to believe, but, I tend to be withdrawn and quiet when I'm in pain or struggling.  During each of my 3 labors, I would just roll over, hold on to the side of the bed, close my eyes and be silent.  I didn't yell, I didn't shout or even get grouchy.     I do believe during Aubrey's birth, this was somewhat of a surprise to Brandon.   Even during Nolan's labor, I was politely asked by 3 nurses (one nurse was mine and the other two nurses had two different women laboring) if since I was "handling labor so well' if I wouldn't mind if the other two ladies could get their epidural first.

So, because I'm quiet and not carrying on like a crazy person, you want me to wait?

Would you mind?

Actually, yes, I would mind, but, go ahead.

 So, I agreed and waited, quietly, while the other two women got their epidural.

I tell you this only to admit that I'm struggling.  Not because circumstances are bad, or something major has happened.  I'm not struggling because I have things worse than you do.  I'm struggling, I think, because the Lord's doing a work in me.  I don't think struggling is a sign of weakness, but, rather, a sign that we're mold able, breakable only able to be repaired by Jesus. 

I was reminded during a wonderful sermon last Sunday that He never leaves.  I knew this.  But, sometimes just knowing this doesn't cut it for me.  I know a lot of things, but taking it in and allowing it to change me, that's where I fail.   In Joshua 1, when Moses had died, and Josh was the new leader, the Lord laid out what He had in store for his people.  Verse 5 says, "No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life,  as I was with Moses, so I will be with you;  I will never leave you nor forsake you."  I need to meditate on this.  To meditate means to mutter.  I need to mutter both day and night...meaning to both of these extremes and everything in between.

He is with me, He is with me, He is with me...I'm struggling, but, He says He'll never leave.

During my quietness I wrestle with life.  I wrestle with wondering when will this medial debt be gone and wondering if there will ever be a time for Brandon and I where we don't always live paycheck to paycheck, only providing for ourselves the necessities.  We're not living high on the hog here folks.  We haven't taken a vacation in 7 years.  We will often go a week and a half with about $15 until the next payday.  All at the same time, I find myself so overwhelmingly grateful that the Lord always does allow us to make it.  We have never gone without food, I know of others who have.  We've never not paid a bill.  I know others who have.  When I get to heaven, will it matter that we never took a family vacation...just the five of us, where we didn't worry about money?  We have so many great memories together as a family not on a beach, or airplane, or with mouse ears on.  No, it won't matter in heaven.  

He is with me, He is with me, He is with me...I'm struggling, but, He says He'll never leave.

I'm struggling with the fact that Aubrey will be in second grade next year, Adelynne will likely be in all day kindergarten, and Nolan will attend developmental preschool 4-5 mornings a week.  I will do the morning school run and.then.come.home.alone.  These kids overwhelm me.  They stress me out.  They can make me crazy.  Sadness comes as I think about my girls being "school aged," and Nolan's pre-school childhood being cut short.  I struggle with sadness and fear of being alone.  I struggle with the "what's next" phase for myself in this transition.  At the same time, I'm overwhelmed with God's goodness to bring us to BCS and the opportunities our kiddos will have there.  I'm grateful for a little time alone as I've been home being mom for 7 years now.  I'm grateful we've made it this far, with everyone still in one piece.  I'm grateful for these amazing beings I get to call my children while the Lord still allows.

He is with me, He is with me, He is with me...I'm struggling, but, He says He'll never leave.

And if we're being really honest, I'm struggling with the fact that I feel like Megan is trapped in someone else's body.  I told someone this morning that I'm really ok with being chubby.  And, most days it seems that I am.  But, if I were really, truly, honest, with you, with myself, that wouldn't be entirely true.  The first year of Nolan's life, I became an emotional eater.  Sure I gained weight with all my pregnancies and lost most of it after both girls, but, Nolan, whoa, a whole different story.  I didn't get a chance to work on losing the pregnancy pounds before the stress, choas and utter paralyzing fear overtook me and I began to eat.  I've created really bad habits and have tried to no avail to really do anything about it.  I've felt powerless, like it's just something I cannot.get.a.grip.on.by.myself.  I tell Brandon all the time that I'm wasting good genes.  Have you seen my mom?  I have great genetics and I'm wasting it on self medication with food.  Yet, I feel so blessed to be in good health and to have a sweet hubby who doesn't care if I'm a little chubby.  I feel like the fact that Nolan is doing as well as he is currently was completely worth each extra pound...even if I don't feel like myself.  

He is with me, He is with me, He is with me...I'm struggling, but, He says He'll never leave.

And while I struggle with the back and forth of being Megan, and my complete and utter gratefulness to the Lord for this life He's given, and all the amazing things in between, I just wanted to say:

Hey, I'm here, I'm ok, the Lord's working, I'm going to allow Him to mold me into whatever He's got for me. In my quietness, He's at work in my struggle.  It's only in my weakness that He's strong, so, I know He's at work.

"Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.  The you will be prosperous and successful.  Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:8&9

Might be the longest blog post, EVER, but, totally worth the read

Each Christmas, I allot about $50 for Christmas cards, pictures, and postage.  This year, Brandon and I have decided to surprise the kids with a carriage ride downtown to see the circle of lights instead.  Plus, I figure everyone gets tired of reading my long winded letters anyway, right?  Don't answer that! :) 


This year I'm blogging my Christmas letter.  Innovative, I know;)  Read it, or, don't. You might want to though, our kids are pretty cute.

Compared to the most recent years, 2011 has been pretty stable.  No major surgeries, diagnosis's, or major happenings.  And, for that, we are extremely thankful to the Lord.

After last Christmas, we were very excited to see the spring come.  While Brandon wrapped up his fourth year of teaching, I wrapped up Aubrey's kindergarten year of homeschooling.  She played softball and really loved it.

She started full day 1st grade at Bethesda Christian School this fall.  It's been an adjustment for her.  While she loves being social, she will sometimes say, "I just want to stay home with you mommy.  Can't we just tell them I'm sick?"  She's very bright and so far is doing great academically.  She enjoys reading, Bible memory, and her "bfffffffffffff (that's best friend:) Noelle.  She had her 7th birthday in October.  We had our typical family party and then we allowed her to invite 3 friends over for an evening for a "friend party."  It was a ton of fun.

This fall also brought the most exciting moment of her life so far.  Aubrey committed her life to Christ.  Praise the Lord!

Most recently, Aubrey had ten inches of her hair cut off and donated to Locks of Love.  I shrieked when they cut it off  and she said, "It's just hair mom, it grows back."  Ahhh, 7 year old perspective.  I'm very proud of her for giving such a gift.

Being Aubrey's mommy is a blessing, and yet a challenge.  We're constantly battling sin nature and trying to instill character qualities.  She has a very tender heart, and an untouched imagination.  When she's home, she loves playing with Barbie's, creating a "Fancy Nancy style beauty spa," and crafting.  She's still in love with her daddy and loves being at home for movie nights and cuddling.

Adelynne finished her first year of preschool this past spring.

This fall, once we drop Aubrey and bub (more about that in a minute) off at school, she and I have 2 mornings a week to hang out.  We like to go to the library, meet up with friends, color or do puzzles.  I was concerned about her being the "odd man out," but it's been a blessing to have some time with just Adelynne.

The older this girl gets, we realize more and more that she is a carbon copy of her daddy.  Not only does she look just like him, but, she's got his temperament and attention to detail.  This girl could color quietly for hours.  She loves to help me fold towels.  She's the queen of "one liners," and has the sweetest laugh.  She loves to go to the library for story time and loves to play on the computers there.  She's the sweetest helper with Nolan, and I've very much enjoyed watching their relationship deepen since it's just the 2 of them at home now.

She's turning 5 next week and it's hard to believe.  We celebrated her birthday yesterday so that her special day doesn't get lost in the Christmas shuffle.

Nolan bug wrapped up almost 3 years of therapy through Indiana First Steps in June, on his third birthday.  This means we had to say goodbye to his therapists who had been coming to our house weekly to "play" with Nolan.  Karen, Nolan's physical therapist who had been with him since he was 5 months old, was very hard to see move on.  She helped him learn to roll over, sit up, crawl, walk, run, etc.  We're so thankful to her for all she meant to our family.

We were able to hire Nolan's speech therapist, Kaycie, to continue his services privately at home through the summer and school year.  Nolan loves her so much and gets so excited when he knows she's coming.  In the fall, Nolan began developmental preschool 2 mornings a week.  He really seems to be doing well.  While he struggles with paying attention and is very distractable, we're excited that he's identifying shapes and his name as well as starting to catch on to colors.  He continues to surprise us with his abilities.  He managed to fairly easily potty train this fall, although we struggle with where it's appropriate to poop:)

Our best news for Nolan from the year was that his heart "passed inspection" for the next year.  Nolan has mild aortic stenosis & moderate mitral valve stenosis and leakage.  Each year we have his heart checked to see if the condition has worsened.  Once the mitral valve conditions move from moderate to severe, they will want to operate.  We know this is likely, but, we are extremely thankful to have another year that the Nolan's heart condition hasn't changed.  

This boy is a tornado of activity who is an absolute joy.  His presence and affection melt my heart, even if he's just dumped ketchup everywhere...  oh boy!  He's all boy who loves swords, guns, and wrestling with daddy.  At the same time, he'll come to me and say, "Where's Barbie?"  I couldn't imagine life with out him.

Brandon is now in his fifth year of teaching and still loves what he does. He just wrapped up the second season of owing our own mowing business.  We are excited for this coming spring as he will be the head baseball coach at Bethesda.

I'm still an at home mommy and consider it a blessing most days.  I spend a lot of time running kids to and from school and chasing Nolan in between.  I'm thankful for the blessing of being married to my best friend 9 years on December 21st.  I couldn't imagine doing life without him.

Some highlights from this year...

1.  First every Nolan's Walk for Williams:  The event was to encourage other families in the same boat that we are, raise awareness for Williams syndrome, and money for the WSA.  We raise almost $8000 and had over 200 attend.

2.  Family trip to General Butler in June:  aunts, uncles, and grandparents....so much fun

3.  In July Brandon and I took the girls to Kings Island for a marathon 2 days of rides, water park and concerts.  We had a ball!!!!!!!!!!!!!

4.  Trips to the park for creek stompin' and hiking.

5.  Adventures with cousins

6.  End of summer party with great friends

7.  Annual trip to the orchard/pumpkin patch

Psalm 100:5  "For the Lord is good and his love endures forever; his faithfulness continues through all generations."

2011 was another year the Lord granted, and we are thankful.

Praying the Lord's richest blessings this CHIRSTmas season for your family.

Love,

Megan

There are a million things I should be doing right now, and, by I million, I literally mean a million.  Sometimes when there's so much to  do, I often "check out" and read or blog rather than get busy.  I've noticed the accelerated speed of our lives recently has caused the blog to suffer.  I know you all sit and wait expectantly for each of my blogs....ahem, right? ;) 


This post is going to be a little different as it is actually written by by husband.  He doesn't know I'm sharing this, but, as I prepared to share during a recent Moms and Tots at church, I came across something Brandon had written back this spring.  I haven't been able to stop thinking about it, so, I wanted to share it with you all.


You faithful blog readers have only heard my side of our struggles, growth and changed perspective since our Nolan was born.  Here is the perspective from the husband, daddy, and faithful seeker of Christ.  I love that his perspective is different than mine (could you imagine if we were both a hot mess like me?:).  I love his ability to accept knowledge....actually, I just love that he does . just. accept.  Be blessed.


Brandon:  So, “why” is the question that has plagued us from the beginning.  The question has brought us sadness, anger, and confusion.  But more importantly God has poked and prodded us to earnestly seek the answer.  While it still seems unfair and sometimes surreal, we have begun to better understand that God’s ways are not always our ways.  One of my first thoughts when we received Nolan’s diagnosis, was “my punishment has finally been delivered.”  I can’t believe it now, but for most of my life I felt that eventually God would have his fill of my sinful ways, and give me a smack down, so to speak.  I was living my life in a sort of bondage of self righteousness.  I knew Christ, and I had accepted his free gift of salvation, but I still felt that I had to bear my own punishment.   Living with that burden often creates fear, guilt, and frustration.  No matter what, I will always fall short.  On my own, without relying on the Spirit of God in me, I fail.  I struggled with why God would use an innocent child as a vehicle for punishment.  Through some needed counsel, prayer, and God revealing himself through his Word, my twisted understanding of my relationship with God was revealed.  Though looking back I feel a little embarrassed for not understanding this, but God did not give us Nolan as some sort of punishment for some unforgivable sin.  God does not punish His children for being inadequate.  He has delivered us from our inadequacy.  Romans 8: 1-2 says, “¹Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, ² because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and death.”  And Romans 6: 23, “²³ For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.”  That’s it…. the punishment is death, but Christ bore that punishment when he offered himself up on the cross.  Christ’s sacrifice is sufficient.  Even though we face trials, they are meant for our refining.  We found comfort in Romans 8: 28, “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”     God is always growing us, sharpening us, and giving us opportunities to glorify Him. 

Deep breath… so if we are not being punished, God must have a different purpose for this detour from our plans.  We still feel sometimes like, “God why have you chosen our family to use in this way?”  But he always pulls us back in.  He reminds us, “Hey, I’m God.  I’ve got this.  Just trust in me and enjoy the ride.”  He entrusted us with Nolan to accomplish His purposes.  Nolan is such a blessing to our family and honestly, everyone who meets him.  It is truly amazing to think about the journey that God has taken us on thus far.  From the sadness and utter despair when this all began to the peace and joy that we are able to experience now. We have been given the privilege to have our perspective on life completely changed in a powerful way by God.  The expectations that we had for our family and our children seem to not be nearly as important as they once did.  We’re human, so we still like to be in the driver’s seat, but we are definitely looking for God’s leading in a way that we never did before He gave us Nolan.