I've tried my hardest to be positive and look upon things with gratefulness and thanksgiving, but, if we're being honest, I've really been struggling the last 5-6 weeks. The reason I haven't been blogging is because I've been such a mix of emotion and sometimes anger, I haven't been able to sort it all out for myself, let alone to blog about it. I know I know, I could just blog about what's happening with the kids, or just post pics, but, I can't really even get up the gumption to do that either. This is my attempt to share, focus how I'm feeling into order by writing about it, and to let some of you know, that I'm not always able to look at things in a positive light...I struggle too.
I wonder if since Nolan's Williams syndrome diagnosis (June 3rd) if I've been in denial of some form. After a few weeks of crying post diagnosis, I woke up one day "snapped" out of it, if you will. It feels like through my part-time job at the daycare and through other events recently, I've been made completely aware of our reality...man, denial was so much better. God, is there a reason you insist to continue to remind me of this? Really, I'm just fine pretending nothing is wrong... I'm quite embarrassed to admit that I've even been angry. Why is it that I know so many people who have healthy baby after healthy baby? Then I think about people who haven't been able to have children, and I become mad at myself for being so selfish, and then I think, no, what we've been dealt is difficult and I'm entitled to struggle, right? I wonder then when someone I know has a baby, how long will it be before that child passes Nolan developmentally or in size...Brandon says I can't think like that. I know that, but, sometimes when it's right there in front of you, you can't help but think it. I've joined a couple of Williams syndrome groups on Facebook, and have looked through the pictures of adults with Williams and I think, there's no way...not my precious Nolan. It seems completely unfair to inflict on someone traits that make you look different that most other people, act differently, allow you to struggle with day to day activities. I still just don't understand.... I''m angry sometimes, this (Nolan being "special needs") will never go away for me, for us, for Nolan. We drive by a soccer field and see kids playing, and we're reminded, Nolan will probably never be able to do that. It's not like he's just not athletic and sports really aren't his thing, odds are, he won't be able to even try. Sometimes we'll be in a group at some function and he'll pull his sisters hair or something aggressive and someone will say, "look at that, he's going to be a football player." I've wanted to shout, "Do you even know what you're talking about??!?!?!?!" While he is always improving, we watch him struggle to learn to do just about everything. How many of you know what that's like?...watching your child struggle?
Just like with all 3 of my buddles, I want what's best for them, to be happy, to love the Lord, and to seek Him in all things. I'm trying to do this as well. I definitely feel the Lord working on me right now, but, I was feeling as though I was letting my blog readers down by not been honest while I'm in a valley. I know that all my struggling right now is not of the Lord, but rather Satan. Pray for me that I won't let him get a foothold. Thanks for listening everyone:)