Thursday, March 18, 2010

Has anyone seen Megan?

I've tried my hardest to be positive and look upon things with gratefulness and thanksgiving, but, if we're being honest, I've really been struggling the last 5-6 weeks. The reason I haven't been blogging is because I've been such a mix of emotion and sometimes anger, I haven't been able to sort it all out for myself, let alone to blog about it. I know I know, I could just blog about what's happening with the kids, or just post pics, but, I can't really even get up the gumption to do that either. This is my attempt to share, focus how I'm feeling into order by writing about it, and to let some of you know, that I'm not always able to look at things in a positive light...I struggle too.

I wonder if since Nolan's Williams syndrome diagnosis (June 3rd) if I've been in denial of some form. After a few weeks of crying post diagnosis, I woke up one day "snapped" out of it, if you will. It feels like through my part-time job at the daycare and through other events recently, I've been made completely aware of our, denial was so much better. God, is there a reason you insist to continue to remind me of this? Really, I'm just fine pretending nothing is wrong... I'm quite embarrassed to admit that I've even been angry. Why is it that I know so many people who have healthy baby after healthy baby? Then I think about people who haven't been able to have children, and I become mad at myself for being so selfish, and then I think, no, what we've been dealt is difficult and I'm entitled to struggle, right? I wonder then when someone I know has a baby, how long will it be before that child passes Nolan developmentally or in size...Brandon says I can't think like that. I know that, but, sometimes when it's right there in front of you, you can't help but think it. I've joined a couple of Williams syndrome groups on Facebook, and have looked through the pictures of adults with Williams and I think, there's no way...not my precious Nolan. It seems completely unfair to inflict on someone traits that make you look different that most other people, act differently, allow you to struggle with day to day activities. I still just don't understand.... I''m angry sometimes, this (Nolan being "special needs") will never go away for me, for us, for Nolan. We drive by a soccer field and see kids playing, and we're reminded, Nolan will probably never be able to do that. It's not like he's just not athletic and sports really aren't his thing, odds are, he won't be able to even try. Sometimes we'll be in a group at some function and he'll pull his sisters hair or something aggressive and someone will say, "look at that, he's going to be a football player." I've wanted to shout, "Do you even know what you're talking about??!?!?!?!" While he is always improving, we watch him struggle to learn to do just about everything. How many of you know what that's like?...watching your child struggle?

Just like with all 3 of my buddles, I want what's best for them, to be happy, to love the Lord, and to seek Him in all things. I'm trying to do this as well. I definitely feel the Lord working on me right now, but, I was feeling as though I was letting my blog readers down by not been honest while I'm in a valley. I know that all my struggling right now is not of the Lord, but rather Satan. Pray for me that I won't let him get a foothold. Thanks for listening everyone:)


Linda Miller said...

Megan, I can totally UNDERSTAND what you are going through, it is called Chronic Grief and anger is a step toward acceptance. You will be able to see how Nolan will show you a different view of life and will make you a better, more sensitive, loving, caring and compassionate person, to think that God is shaping you to be even greater than you are now, and it is You who will be providing support to others who are new in this situation. Nolan will teach you more about life than any other experience you have had. Having children with different needs than others is a challenge, allow yourself to have bad days, just don't let them get the best of you. Ventilate to those who understand, those who have been there, and for those who don't understand, just know, they may be humbled in a different experience. I always have low times around my childrens birthday times, not that I am not very thankful for the miracle of my children, and the blessings we have received, but just that same thing you are saying and wishing they would not have had to go through so much...but ...we are what we are because of life experiences..a very special gift from God, that he chose us and molded us to do this special you will find Nolans special gifts, they may be different that others,they may impact others in a way you never even know, but what a blessing.Please feel free to get ahold of me if you need any support.Love and prayers, Linda Miller

Tyler and Whitney said...

I love the comment from Linda, and I love you. I may not always be able to understand what you are going through, but will always listen and pray. God's got you, Meg, now, and when you don't know what's coming next.

Angela said...

Megan, I've been trying to figure out exactly how to say what has been going through my mind since I first read this post but Linda says it all. I'm only beginning to understand what you are going through. Our situation is different and yet, there are so many similarities. For as long as I've known the Worrell's, I've known that God only allows special people to raise special children and He is going to use your entire family mightily. I know you do - but keep clinging to the Vine and be assured that many people are praying for you! Love, Angela

Cindy Gangwer said...

Megan, It's interesting how your definition of "normal" changes as you get older. What I thought "normal" was at your age has so totally changed now that I'm near the big 50! You will get there too sweetie - just give yourself some slack o.k? There is no "normal" - we are all "abnormal" and unique. What matters is if you are either a Child of God or you're not. That's all that matters. Really :)

In a big way I'm envious of Nolan. What a gift - to not be aware of how awful this world can be!

For you, especially, as a Mom, it's one of the absolute worse things to have to go through. We Mom's feel so deeply for our children.

I agree with Linda. Many of us have had to deal with chronic illnesses and after anger comes acceptance and a real sense of peace comes after that.

Your family is yours - a gift wrapped by God in a special way. I'll be praying for you to enjoy unwrapping the gift:)

Love you much!!
Cindy (Gangwer)

Wani said...

I am right there with you. While we love our little guys just as they are we also hate that they have this "thing" that they will have to struggle with their whole lives. I agree about liking denial better. I'd rather not be constantly reminded of all the things that Joe might not ever do. But we have to try to focus on the good and leave the rest in His hands. God knew what He was doing when He made our boys. They were not mistakes, they are blessings.
We miss you guys! It feels like its been forever since we've gotten together.