Being a mother is a life full of guilt. I mean let's be honest, we question each and every decision we make concerning our kiddos...well, at least I do. I've yet to meet one mom who didn't look back on her child rearing years and question some things, or, maybe even wish they would have done a few things differently. It starts even when you're pregnant.
Should I be eating more things that are full of folic acid?
Should I eat less baked goods:)?
Should I breastfeed?
What if I can't?
Then in the weeks of no sleep with a baby who cries endlessly, you become angry with yourself that you are so tired, frustrated, frazzled, when you really want to be soaking up each moment because they grow up so fast...because everyone reminds you of this. And don't get me started on discipline. Every day is a battle of,
am I being too hard on her?
Am I not consistent enough?
Is it really supposed to be this hard?
Or is there just something wrong with me?
Now that I'm a seasoned parent (ha! wink wink), I can look back at times and think...man, I really should have handled that differently. There have also been other times that I can look back and think...by God's grace, yep, I handled that like a pro.
I am a flawed person. I am a flawed wife, sister, daughter, friend and yes, even mother, but I do know that in those times of being unsure God's grace is sufficient. He knows our hearts; my heart, my intentions and my desires.
My desire is that at some point all 3 of my babes would come to have a saving relationship with the Lord, that they would make wise decisions based on the Bible, that they would be spared from all the worldly pitfalls, some of which I fell victim to when I was younger. That at no point in their life would they be faced with a tough choice, and choose wrong. That they would never feel disappointment or hurt.
Brandon and I have struggled with, for about a year now, whether to send Aubrey to school or to homeschool her. Not matter who you talk to, the people who send their kids to school have a list of why they feel it's best, and the same with people who homeschool. I'm not one who believes that by homeschooling you can shelter them from all things, but rather my intent was to spend more time character building and building a more sound Biblical base before sending her out. For a week, I would be confident in the homeschooling decision, and then the next week, I would say no, it's time for her to go to school. I've talked to so many people about it, and it really started to weigh on me. I'd prayed and prayed and prayed about it, with no real clear leading either way. Sometimes God doesn't give us the answer clear cut dropped from heaven (although I was hoping for that), but He does give us discernment to make wise decisions and a blessing of that decision once it's been made.
We signed Aubrey up for Kindergarten and thought we'd see where that avenue took us. Since making that decision, we've been pleasantly surprised by the blessings of reassurance of the decision we've made. Blessings that this guilt ridden momma needed...thank you Jesus.
Tomorrow is the big day, and, although I may still back out, ;) I'm confident this is the right decision for our family, for Aubrey. Is it the right decision for my mental well being, however?... probably not.:)
So, for now, I'm not going to let the guilt creep up, but rather, be confident in the job I'm doing as mommy only with the Lord's help. Because let's be honest, trying to do anything on our own is completely pointless.