Sunday, January 15, 2012

This might be really hard to believe, but, I tend to be withdrawn and quiet when I'm in pain or struggling.  During each of my 3 labors, I would just roll over, hold on to the side of the bed, close my eyes and be silent.  I didn't yell, I didn't shout or even get grouchy.     I do believe during Aubrey's birth, this was somewhat of a surprise to Brandon.   Even during Nolan's labor, I was politely asked by 3 nurses (one nurse was mine and the other two nurses had two different women laboring) if since I was "handling labor so well' if I wouldn't mind if the other two ladies could get their epidural first.

So, because I'm quiet and not carrying on like a crazy person, you want me to wait?

Would you mind?

Actually, yes, I would mind, but, go ahead.

 So, I agreed and waited, quietly, while the other two women got their epidural.

I tell you this only to admit that I'm struggling.  Not because circumstances are bad, or something major has happened.  I'm not struggling because I have things worse than you do.  I'm struggling, I think, because the Lord's doing a work in me.  I don't think struggling is a sign of weakness, but, rather, a sign that we're mold able, breakable only able to be repaired by Jesus. 

I was reminded during a wonderful sermon last Sunday that He never leaves.  I knew this.  But, sometimes just knowing this doesn't cut it for me.  I know a lot of things, but taking it in and allowing it to change me, that's where I fail.   In Joshua 1, when Moses had died, and Josh was the new leader, the Lord laid out what He had in store for his people.  Verse 5 says, "No one will be able to stand up against you all the days of your life,  as I was with Moses, so I will be with you;  I will never leave you nor forsake you."  I need to meditate on this.  To meditate means to mutter.  I need to mutter both day and night...meaning to both of these extremes and everything in between.

He is with me, He is with me, He is with me...I'm struggling, but, He says He'll never leave.

During my quietness I wrestle with life.  I wrestle with wondering when will this medial debt be gone and wondering if there will ever be a time for Brandon and I where we don't always live paycheck to paycheck, only providing for ourselves the necessities.  We're not living high on the hog here folks.  We haven't taken a vacation in 7 years.  We will often go a week and a half with about $15 until the next payday.  All at the same time, I find myself so overwhelmingly grateful that the Lord always does allow us to make it.  We have never gone without food, I know of others who have.  We've never not paid a bill.  I know others who have.  When I get to heaven, will it matter that we never took a family vacation...just the five of us, where we didn't worry about money?  We have so many great memories together as a family not on a beach, or airplane, or with mouse ears on.  No, it won't matter in heaven.  

He is with me, He is with me, He is with me...I'm struggling, but, He says He'll never leave.

I'm struggling with the fact that Aubrey will be in second grade next year, Adelynne will likely be in all day kindergarten, and Nolan will attend developmental preschool 4-5 mornings a week.  I will do the morning school run and.then.come.home.alone.  These kids overwhelm me.  They stress me out.  They can make me crazy.  Sadness comes as I think about my girls being "school aged," and Nolan's pre-school childhood being cut short.  I struggle with sadness and fear of being alone.  I struggle with the "what's next" phase for myself in this transition.  At the same time, I'm overwhelmed with God's goodness to bring us to BCS and the opportunities our kiddos will have there.  I'm grateful for a little time alone as I've been home being mom for 7 years now.  I'm grateful we've made it this far, with everyone still in one piece.  I'm grateful for these amazing beings I get to call my children while the Lord still allows.

He is with me, He is with me, He is with me...I'm struggling, but, He says He'll never leave.

And if we're being really honest, I'm struggling with the fact that I feel like Megan is trapped in someone else's body.  I told someone this morning that I'm really ok with being chubby.  And, most days it seems that I am.  But, if I were really, truly, honest, with you, with myself, that wouldn't be entirely true.  The first year of Nolan's life, I became an emotional eater.  Sure I gained weight with all my pregnancies and lost most of it after both girls, but, Nolan, whoa, a whole different story.  I didn't get a chance to work on losing the pregnancy pounds before the stress, choas and utter paralyzing fear overtook me and I began to eat.  I've created really bad habits and have tried to no avail to really do anything about it.  I've felt powerless, like it's just something I  I tell Brandon all the time that I'm wasting good genes.  Have you seen my mom?  I have great genetics and I'm wasting it on self medication with food.  Yet, I feel so blessed to be in good health and to have a sweet hubby who doesn't care if I'm a little chubby.  I feel like the fact that Nolan is doing as well as he is currently was completely worth each extra pound...even if I don't feel like myself.  

He is with me, He is with me, He is with me...I'm struggling, but, He says He'll never leave.

And while I struggle with the back and forth of being Megan, and my complete and utter gratefulness to the Lord for this life He's given, and all the amazing things in between, I just wanted to say:

Hey, I'm here, I'm ok, the Lord's working, I'm going to allow Him to mold me into whatever He's got for me. In my quietness, He's at work in my struggle.  It's only in my weakness that He's strong, so, I know He's at work.

"Do not let this Book of the Law depart from your mouth; meditate on it day and night, so that you may be careful to do everything written in it.  The you will be prosperous and successful.  Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go."  Joshua 1:8&9


Tricia D. said...

Thank you for sharing Megan. Mothers need to be honest, so we know we are not alone in our struggles. As far as having some time alone, I think you'll learn to love running errands, doing chores and maybe even meeting a friend for coffee kid-free. Love ya!

Tyler and Whitney said...

A phone call in the near future is definitely in order, my friend. Thank you for your transparency, and for being an example for always going back to Truth in the midst of struggle. You are not alone, and you are right where God wants you to be. So thankful for the hope and help that HE gives!! Love you!!

Still Learning Life said...

This was awesome. Thank you so much for your openness. It is truly an encouragement. I completely feel you girl. I always go inward when I am faced with anything hard, I get so silent. People are definitely surprised to know I am going through anything hard because I usually don't share it and appear pretty "normal." Finances are a huge pressure i feel is always weighing down on me as well. Wondering if we'll ever not be living paycheck to paycheck and be able to have something to save towards anything, and we haven't taken a vaca either in 5 years. People think its impressive I weigh less than when they knew me in college or we were married, but they don't know that I feel horrible everyday with my stomach problems. But lately especially, I have felt very disconnected in general. No one is excluding me, or being mean to me. I just have felt very alone in my struggles. And then I feel guilty because I know i need to pray more, read the Bible more, etc. Its a horrible thought cycle to get into. Thank you for reminding me HE is with ME. I know when I look back over my history I can see God's provision time and time again. I really feel like when its hard to know what's up ahead, you look how far HE has brought you. Thank you for sharing!