Thursday, January 6, 2011

So you're saying I'm the one with the problem?

Today's Truth 
2 Corinthians 6:6 (NLT) "We have proved ourselves by our purity, our understanding, our patience, our kindness, our sincere love, and the power of the Holy Spirit." 

It would be just fine with me if I never had to go through another storm. However, God is more committed to my character than He is to my comfort. Every storm is an opportunity to grow in Christ and trust Him more. 

The Apostle Paul was well acquainted with vicious storms and harsh realities. In his writings to the church at Corinth Paul offers five truths that - when applied - will enable us to stand firm in the storm. 

Truth 1:  Live a pure life.
Truth 2:  Seek understanding.
Truth 3:  Learn to be patient.
Truth 4:  Practice kindness.  

When bad things happen, we cry out in desperation for someone to care. 

If you could have been living in my head these last few weeks, you would know what a smack in the face this was in my quiet time this morning.  When bad things happen, we cry out in desperation for someone to care.  I mean, is is such a bad thing that I want, scratch that, I need people to care?  And I don't mean care in the sense that of course people care, but, I need to make them understand...make them really get what's going on in my head.  Make them understand that some of the comments they make about Nolan are thoughtless, not ill meaning, but, thoughtless.  Make them understand that we (Brandon and I) don't and can't think about what the future holds like you can with regular children (like we can with Aubrey and Adelynne)...I don't know if he'll get to go to kindergarten when he's 5, or 6, or ever.  I don't know what life with and for him will look like when he's 5.  I just don't. The older he gets, the more "stuff" there is...the more obvious it becomes, the more he'll stand out. Why can't you understand that?  It does prove quite frustrating for me when I just want you to understand....please just understand, call tail to my feelings, walk on eggshells around me, when you talk about your "normal" children and how hard it is raising a regular child, please don't, please know when I'm struggling and in the pit over this and censor everything (yes, I mean everything) you say out loud, I'm likely to be oversensitive.  When I use the term, understand, I don't mean feel sorry for me, I don't mean treat me like my problems are bigger than yours...because they aren't, I don't mean tip toe around me and calculate everything you say...even though it seems like that's what I want you to do.  I mean, just, understand...To perceive and comprehend the nature and significance of; grasp...To know thoroughly by close contact or long experience with.

My quiet time reminded me that within this storm, it's not about making people understand.  God is concerned with my character and growing me, rather than making me comfortable.  He's trying to grow me, rather than me trying to grow other people in the ways of how to treat and help those with children of special needs and all that entails.  The holy spirit is working, whether it's in me, or in you, he is.  I need to be living a pure life, seeking understanding (oh, I'm the one who needs to learn to understand...oops), learning to be patient, and practicing kindness. 

Many things I know within my head, it's a matter of getting my heart to follow.  And while I will probably always struggle with "making people understand,"  the reality is, you couldn't possibly understand because you don't live it day in and day out, it's not your child it's mine, and it hasn't happened to you.   Just like, I can't understand what it's like to miscarry or struggle with infertility, or to lose a parent, etc...I can't understand because I haven't lived it.

Rather than focus on how you, my blog reader, my family, my friends, may "understand"...rather, I'm going to focus on my part of the journey, the 4 Truths listed above.  That, my friends, is encouraging.


Wani said...

So true - and so hard to apply. I am in the same boat. And I really do understand. I am thankful for you and your perspective. It helps me immensely to have someone that does "understand" how crazy and difficult and joyful and challenging this life of a special needs mom is. Thanks for sharing - I'll be working on those four things right along with you! ;-)

Diana Lower said...

So well said Megan. And so hard to do. I feel like no one understands what losing a spouse is like either. It's been 15 years and I live every day of my life thinking that life just goes on as normal, even for me, and because of that I live with a guilty conscience every day. Ronny doesn't get to be here to hold and get to know his grandchildren but I do. He doesn't get to be here to tell them his silly jokes and they don't get to know and enjoy what a great man he was. It's so hard for even me to understand. How I can just move on and go thru life as normal as possible when my loved one didn't get to be here to do any of that. But, I'll keep trying to work on those four things and it won't be that long now till I will get to see for myself the "whys" of the way things happen the way they do. Thanks Megan for reminding me to be patient and kind.

Go Long! Go Green! said...

wow,what a truly moving and heartfelt post! can't wait to see you soon!