On loan

For those of you who know me, or who read this blog, it's quite apparent that I'm a an emotional crazy person...no really, sometimes I think I must be crazy.  We are full on Nolan's Walk for Williams planning.  Just this afternoon I received confirmation that we have 5 other families coming to the walk who have a child with Williams syndrome.  I got like, over the top, excited thinking about being with that many people who get it, I mean really get what it's like, who probably understand my rants, who probably feel some of the exact things emotionally...not just the bad, but the good too.  An hour later I'm in a panic remembering that it wasn't too long ago I looked at my sweet husband while sobbing and said, "It's like, Nolan's not really ours.  He looks more like a group of people than he does our family.  I can't look at him and say he reminds me of you, or, he looks like my baby pictures.  It will only get worse the older we all get...It's like it's the four of us and then...Nolan."  Of course Brandon listened, affirmed my feelings, but, by the grace of God, he's been given an acceptance of the situation that I don't have...
And, thus my panic, how will it be to see Nolan with 5 other precious blessings who will look more like his brothers and sisters than Aubrey and Adelynne do?  Lord give me perspective and clarity that day...

A dear friend recommended Mary Beth Chapman's book Choosing to See.  She's the wife to Steven Curtis Chapman and a few years ago they lost their 5 year old little girl in an accident.  To make the grief worse for their family, their teenage son was driving the car that hit Maria (a complete accident).  The book talks a lot about Mary Beth's childhood, how she met Steven, their early years, starting a family, adopting 3 precious little girls from China, the accident, etc....but what impressed on me the most was her description of her grief....seeing God in the midst of despair, how all the things in our life are an intricate design of Him.  Obviously, I haven't lost a child in the sense that they are no longer here on earth with me, however, the grieving process is very similar.  There was so much in this book where I saw myself, saw Nolan, saw our journey.  Like Maria, who is now in heaven, our little boy really isn't ours.  He's on loan from the One who knit him perfectly in my womb.  And it's not just Nolan who's on loan, Aubrey and Adelynne are as well...I forget that with them because Aubrey has her daddy's toes and sense of perfection...only by the grace of God...Adelynne has Brandon's beautiful eyes and attention to detail...only by the grace of God.  But, they are on loan, for however long the Lord grants us.  One WS mom said to me once, "My biggest fear is that the Lord will call her home before I am ready."  I feel the same way. 
Could I ask you to pray for Nolan's Walk for Williams?  Pray for safety in travel for the families who are coming.  Pray for a positive uplifting event.