Friday, May 20, 2011

I know, I know

It's no secret my life is a fast paced, crazy hectic vortex of caring for 3 children.  Being a stay-at-home mom is a blessing, and I wouldn't trade it.  I've never had a moment in the last 6 1/2 years (yes, that's how long I've been at home) where I've regretted being home everyday with my kids.  Now, that doesn't mean there haven't been moments of frustration and desperation where I think to myself, I've got to get a job or I might go crazy in this house with these's actually happened a few times:) Life with 3 kids at home, homeschooling a 6 year old, getting a preschooler to school 2 days a week, 3 rounds of therapy for the boy, keeping up with the things around the house, being Brandon's helper as he teaches during the day and runs our mowing business in the's exhausting, it's hard, and it's consuming.  I know I get consumed by it.  It's hard not to.  Not only is it my life, but, it's my job, my responsibility...and it's my joy.  Just because I don't get in my car and punch in and punch out somewhere doesn't mean I don't try as best as I can to be great at my job.  And when I think about it like that, I'm reminded of the fact that I don't get to punch in and out.  I'm always mom. Someone will always need something.  Something will always needs to be done.  There's no quitin' time.  And, that's ok.  When viewed like that, it can be a little more understandable that being a mom just really might be consuming. 

At the same time, I need to be able to remove myself mentally from my job when given the opportunity and try more at relating to other people, their jobs, their lives, their work, etc.  I realize I don't do a great job at that because I can't seem to separate myself from my family.  While I should be putting God first, Brandon second, my kids third, it seems at times there isn't a ton of energy left for others.  I need to be better at that.  I'm going to work on it.

I'm blessed to be the wife to Brandon, the mother to Aubrey, Adelynne, and Nolan.  Sometimes, although, I do feel as though Megan gets lost in the shuffle. It's no one's fault but my own.  I've often said that while motherhood is one of the greatest experiences in life, it's also a life of never ending guilt.  We always, as mothers seems to question each and every decision we make.  Here's Megan's mind sometimes when it comes down to doing things for myself....

"I should go to the gym, but, I feel bad leaving."
"I desperately need a haircut, but, I feel guilty spending the money."
"I want to meet, (fill in the blank), for coffee (or dinner) but I feel bad leaving AND I feel guilty spending the money!"

I'm quite content being a mother for now, I feel God has called me to be their mother.  I'm content.  Sometimes I feel scattered, stretched, stressed and spent.  Yet, I'm happy.  I feel blessed.  These thoughts aren't meant to sound like a pitty party for Megan.  Matter fact, I hope this post conveys the opposite.  I simply a busy mom, admitting that at times she's consumed in her hectic life, who needs to spend more time thinking of others.


Anonymous said...

well, I know that I'm new at this, but can relate to pretty much everything you said. Wouldn't trade this 'job' for the world, but sometimes, it's hard to know how to balance everything. This post is just so 'on'! :) Love it and thanks for writing it!

mama to j and bean said...

Great post and I can so relate about relating to others. I've been struggling a lot with staying at home but the beautiful thing is that we all have the opportunity to make the perfect, unique decisions for our families. Kudos to you - you do an amazing job and have a beautiful family!