I know, I know

It's no secret my life is a fast paced, crazy hectic vortex of caring for 3 children.  Being a stay-at-home mom is a blessing, and I wouldn't trade it.  I've never had a moment in the last 6 1/2 years (yes, that's how long I've been at home) where I've regretted being home everyday with my kids.  Now, that doesn't mean there haven't been moments of frustration and desperation where I think to myself, I've got to get a job or I might go crazy in this house with these kids....it's actually happened a few times:) Life with 3 kids at home, homeschooling a 6 year old, getting a preschooler to school 2 days a week, 3 rounds of therapy for the boy, keeping up with the things around the house, being Brandon's helper as he teaches during the day and runs our mowing business in the evening...it's exhausting, it's hard, and it's consuming.  I know I get consumed by it.  It's hard not to.  Not only is it my life, but, it's my job, my responsibility...and it's my joy.  Just because I don't get in my car and punch in and punch out somewhere doesn't mean I don't try as best as I can to be great at my job.  And when I think about it like that, I'm reminded of the fact that I don't get to punch in and out.  I'm always mom. Someone will always need something.  Something will always needs to be done.  There's no quitin' time.  And, that's ok.  When viewed like that, it can be a little more understandable that being a mom just really might be consuming. 

At the same time, I need to be able to remove myself mentally from my job when given the opportunity and try more at relating to other people, their jobs, their lives, their work, etc.  I realize I don't do a great job at that because I can't seem to separate myself from my family.  While I should be putting God first, Brandon second, my kids third, it seems at times there isn't a ton of energy left for others.  I need to be better at that.  I'm going to work on it.

I'm blessed to be the wife to Brandon, the mother to Aubrey, Adelynne, and Nolan.  Sometimes, although, I do feel as though Megan gets lost in the shuffle. It's no one's fault but my own.  I've often said that while motherhood is one of the greatest experiences in life, it's also a life of never ending guilt.  We always, as mothers seems to question each and every decision we make.  Here's Megan's mind sometimes when it comes down to doing things for myself....

"I should go to the gym, but, I feel bad leaving."

"I desperately need a haircut, but, I feel guilty spending the money."

"I want to meet, (fill in the blank), for coffee (or dinner) but I feel bad leaving AND I feel guilty spending the money!"

I'm quite content being a mother for now, I feel God has called me to be their mother.  I'm content.  Sometimes I feel scattered, stretched, stressed and spent.  Yet, I'm happy.  I feel blessed.  These thoughts aren't meant to sound like a pitty party for Megan.  Matter fact, I hope this post conveys the opposite.  I simply a busy mom, admitting that at times she's consumed in her hectic life, who needs to spend more time thinking of others.

Seasons

Ecclesiastes 3:1-8

1There is a time for everything,

and a season for every activity under heaven:

2a time to be born and a time to die,

a time to plant and a time to uproot,

3a time to kill and a time to heal,

a time to tear down and a time to build,

4a time to weep and a time to laugh,

a time to mourn and a time to dance,

5a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,

a time to embrace and a time to refrain,

6a time to search and a time to give up,

a time to keep and a time to throw away,

7a time to tear and a time to mend,

a time to be silent and a time to speak,

8a time to love and a time to hate,

a time for war and a time for peace.

 This past weekend was the first Nolan's Walk for Williams here in Plainfield (if you would like to still donate, you can until June 1st, http://www.williams-syndrome.org/nolans-walk-williams)  .  Brandon and I have spent the last 3 months knee deep in the planning for this event.  We had 119 registered, but we estimate over 200 showed up.  The forecast showed rain for the day with thunderstorms.  Not a drop hit the ground that day!  Countless people approached us during and after the event about how nice it was to just relax with family and friends while being encouraged.  The event was also featured in the Hendricks County Flyer, http://flyergroup.com/local/x377182983/Walk-brings-awareness-to-Williams-Syndrome, which helps raise awareness for Williams Syndrome even more.  I think it's safe to say we've been on a high reveling in God's grace and His goodness since the event....a time to heal, a time to laugh, a time to dance, a time to mend, and a time to speak.  We've often wondered what God's plan is for our family through Nolan, and I believe God wants us to be bold in loving and caring for other families, encouraging them, sharing in our weakness, because in our weakness His strength is so mighty.  I've often wondered what it would be like to be on this journey without the Lord and I imagine a hopeless, joyless, desperation that won't go away.  At the same time, doing the event for Brandon and I was a way for us to mend and to heal. We belong to another family...the Williams family.  All the other moms I met on Saturday...there's an unspoken admiration and comradere.  Each one of us knows how the other feels in every sense of being a mother....a time to heal, a time to laugh, a time to dance, a time to mend, and a time to speak.

We're given seasons here on this earth.  I hate winter.  I hate being cold, sickness, feeling trapped in the house, etc.  Yet in that season, I love Christmas!  And, after that season comes spring, where all things are restored from being cold, sad and frozen...things are reborn and new.  Life is like that.  We have periods of great rejoicing like this weekend, and we have periods of great sadness...a time to die, a time to weep, and a time to mourn.  Yesterday, a baby named Corbin (you can read about him here, http://ofkidsandcows.blogspot.com/), went home to be with Jesus.  Corbin, like Nolan, was born with Williams syndrome.  However, Corbin was born with a far more fragile heart than Nolan's.  This is a  fact that comes with a weighty reality that Nolan could have very easily had a heart like Corbin's.  Don't think I haven't thought in the last day why God would choose Nolan to stay here on the earth for now, and why He would choose to take Corbin home to be with Him.  I've also been brought back to the reality that every summer we have Nolan's heart checked.  With every check comes the possibility that Nolan's heart could be getting worse and could require open heart surgery.  

We are not promised a life free of turmoil, matter fact the Bible says in John 16:33, "In this life you will have trouble."  The verse doesn't end there either, "But take heart, I have overcome the world."  When I enter a season of weeping and mourning, I have to remember that Jesus overcame sin AND DEATH when he rose again.  This life will bring trouble, trials, sadness and grief, but at the same time, Jesus overcame all that...one day for those whose hope is in Him, we will be in heaven celebrating with baby Corbin.

To the girls

Dear Aubrey and Adelynne...my sweet little girls, born into an intentional, heavenly birth order.

There will come a day where you come to the realization that Nolan is different, that he was born with Williams syndrome.  Daddy and I talk about it in front of you, but, neither of you has ever asked what it is.  Matter fact, right now, we're planning Nolan's Walk for Williams, and no one's ever said, why?, what is it?, why does Nolan "have" it?  For many reasons I'm extremely thankful.  Neither of you look at Nolan as if he's a nuisance (unless he's pulling your hair:), or see his differences...it's inspiring...it's convicting...it's every parents dream for their children to love each other. And, the two of you love with such an unconditional accepting love...a love that's heaven sent.  It makes your mother proud and my prayer is that it is always that way.

Mommy's fear is that your awakening will come with a crashing reality because a child (or even adult) will make a comment about Nolan's overfriendlyness, or because his face is different, or because he talks "funny."  Girls, unless something like this has happened to someone else, they can't understand.  And it's ok.  It really is.  You two are so special...God picked YOU!  He picked you to be Nolan's sisters.  You may never fully understand the privilege and honor it is that God picked you.  He knew you both were exactly what Nolan needed not just now, but for the rest of his life, for your life.  You are not only his sisters, you're his friends, the ones who love him without question, his defenders and protectors, his advocates...and your heavenly father knew that no other two girls were better for the job at showing the love of Jesus through your care for him and loving others when their approach with Nolan might be hurtful.

Along with this special gift we've been given will also come some sadness...sadness for Nolan, for our family as he'll have a long and sometimes heavy road in this life.  If there is anything mommy has learned this far is that it's ok to be sad...because in that sadness God can reveal Himself.  Jesus has already felt all the emotions that you'll feel, he understands it, he'll cry with you and rejoice with you.  Embrace the good and the bad times.  He'll always be present.

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”  John 16:33

Our purpose in this life is to live for Jesus.  You've been given a hefty challenge...to love and care without question.  But, we do this because Jesus overcame the world...we've not been promised an easy life, but we have been promised heaven. 

Love,
Mommy

On loan

For those of you who know me, or who read this blog, it's quite apparent that I'm a an emotional crazy person...no really, sometimes I think I must be crazy.  We are full on Nolan's Walk for Williams planning.  Just this afternoon I received confirmation that we have 5 other families coming to the walk who have a child with Williams syndrome.  I got like, over the top, excited thinking about being with that many people who get it, I mean really get what it's like, who probably understand my rants, who probably feel some of the exact things emotionally...not just the bad, but the good too.  An hour later I'm in a panic remembering that it wasn't too long ago I looked at my sweet husband while sobbing and said, "It's like, Nolan's not really ours.  He looks more like a group of people than he does our family.  I can't look at him and say he reminds me of you, or, he looks like my baby pictures.  It will only get worse the older we all get...It's like it's the four of us and then...Nolan."  Of course Brandon listened, affirmed my feelings, but, by the grace of God, he's been given an acceptance of the situation that I don't have...
And, thus my panic, how will it be to see Nolan with 5 other precious blessings who will look more like his brothers and sisters than Aubrey and Adelynne do?  Lord give me perspective and clarity that day...

A dear friend recommended Mary Beth Chapman's book Choosing to See.  She's the wife to Steven Curtis Chapman and a few years ago they lost their 5 year old little girl in an accident.  To make the grief worse for their family, their teenage son was driving the car that hit Maria (a complete accident).  The book talks a lot about Mary Beth's childhood, how she met Steven, their early years, starting a family, adopting 3 precious little girls from China, the accident, etc....but what impressed on me the most was her description of her grief....seeing God in the midst of despair, how all the things in our life are an intricate design of Him.  Obviously, I haven't lost a child in the sense that they are no longer here on earth with me, however, the grieving process is very similar.  There was so much in this book where I saw myself, saw Nolan, saw our journey.  Like Maria, who is now in heaven, our little boy really isn't ours.  He's on loan from the One who knit him perfectly in my womb.  And it's not just Nolan who's on loan, Aubrey and Adelynne are as well...I forget that with them because Aubrey has her daddy's toes and sense of perfection...only by the grace of God...Adelynne has Brandon's beautiful eyes and attention to detail...only by the grace of God.  But, they are on loan, for however long the Lord grants us.  One WS mom said to me once, "My biggest fear is that the Lord will call her home before I am ready."  I feel the same way. 
Could I ask you to pray for Nolan's Walk for Williams?  Pray for safety in travel for the families who are coming.  Pray for a positive uplifting event.

For inquiring minds...

We've received several common questions regarding Nolan's Walk for Williams.

1.  How do we donate to the walk since we can't attend?
      Go to www.walk4williams.org.  In bold, there will be 2 options to either "register to walk" or "donate to a walk."  Once you've selected "donate to a walk," you will be given a list of all the walks around the USA that are happening this year.  Select the Indiana: Plainfield one, and you will be able to donate to the walk that way.

2.  How much of the money will go to Nolan?
     Brandon and I aren't having this walk to raise money for Nolan.  ALL money will go to the Williams Syndrome Association in honor of Nolan.  Our purpose is to raise money for the WSA and to raise awareness about Williams Syndrome.   Of course some have been adamant at other points in Nolan's life about giving to him to help with medical expenses, and we appreciate that, however, at this point the money goes to the WSA.

3.  How do we go about getting sponsors?  or  How far is the walk?
     This is NOT a walk a thon.  However, if you are a registered walker who wants to get sponsors, please email us a bmpaschal@gmail.com for a sponsor form.  Those who register to walk do not need to get sponsors, but you can if you would like.  The walk will be a relatively short (approx. 1 mile) route where we will gather and walk together to raise awareness.   After the organized short walk, people are more than welcome to continue to walk for as long as they would like.  Our setup will have a relatively flexible schedule as we want people to come and enjoy themselves and with their families. 

MIA

MIA = Missing in action

It would seem I've been missing in action since I haven't blogged in over 30 days.  Even Brandon came home from school one day, pulled up the blog and said, "Geez, you haven't blogged in forever!"  There is actually so much swirling around in my head, I could probably have 20 separate blog posts, but, my cluttered mind actually leaves me with writers block.

When I go through the "sad parts" of the grieving process, I have a hard time verbalizing my thoughts and feelings as well.  It also seems to somewhat paralyze me from thinking or doing anything else other than my day to day stuff.  As I come out from under my foggy cloud of sadness, I'm able to process a little more.

In the last month, Aubrey's reading has really taken off.  We find her reading more and more on her own with little to no help and is actually enjoying it!  Last night, I told her I would time her, and for every 10 minutes she read, she could put a sticker on her chart (once the chart is full, her reward is a Mermaid Barbie she's been trying to earn).  Before we knew it, she read 5 books and had been reading for an hour.  I don't think she's ever sat for an hour...in her life.

In the last month, Adelynne is really loving preschool.  It's her 5 hours a week where she is Adelynne and not Aubrey's little sister.  She is able to be herself without trying to to do everything Aubrey does.  She also attended the 4's and 5's Suitcase Stories at the library...all on her own...no mommy.  I was actually planning to go in with her, and then realized I was the only mommy who was trying to get in rather than out.  I looked around and felt silly, so, I told Adie I'd see her after. :)

In the last month, Nolan has managed to steal even more of my heart.  I didn't know it was possible to be more crazily enamored, but, alas, I am.  His speech continues to progress and his attempts at communicating his needs is becoming more age appropriate.  He also managed to break his crib.  He jumps so much in it, he snapped the metal bracket that connects the wood base to the crib.  Brandon was able to fix it, but, little fella did have to sleep in the pac n play for a few days.

In the last month, we've prayed about an opportunity to send the girls to a christian school next year. So far, God seems to be opening doors, and we're trying to enter them in faith.  We continue to pray for God's leading and guidance. 

In the last month, we've been contnually amazed at God's provision in digging us out of this medical debt.  We're excited about our plan to have it all paid off within the year.

In the last month, I've had many quiet times that have brought great insight and reflection. I've enjoyed rediscovering some of my favorite music from Bethany Dillon, Jeremy Camp, and Christy Nokels.  I've had some funny and fun times with my kids, and have enjoyed some deep productive talks with my hubs. 

In the last month, I've been sad, but His mercies are new every morning and that feels nice.

Nolan's Walk for Williams